Ron: What are you doing here?
Leslie: Running away from my problems.
Ron: Come on in.

Ron: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

Ann: So are you happy to be back at work?
Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally can't buy poop.

Waiter: Would you like any wine to start?
Leslie: Yes, and I'm gonna be direct and honest with you, I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

Tom: Wow, how long has it been?
April: Three weeks.

Chris: I want to apologize to all the women and Jerry. If I could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, I would.
April: Wow, that is so sweet.
Chris: Thank you.

Leslie: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of the Mall of America.

Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.
Andy: Oh, oops. OK.
April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.
Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?

Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
Ann Who's Rebecca?
Leslie: Exactly.