Donna: Uh oh, Batman's crying.

Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year?
Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume.

Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!
Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

Ron Swanson: Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.

Chris: You're beautiful! On the inside... where your spirit lives.

Ben: Are you gonna murder me and bury me at this gas station?

Tanya: I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
Leslie: That's because I don't hate myself Tanya.

April: Honey, he's wearing a costume. He's going as lame.

Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.