Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. When we started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it... 

[Mark goes up to Ron]
Mark: Hey Parks Department.
Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.
Beth: Nice to meet you.
Mark: Nice to meet you. You guys are together?
Ron: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.
Beth: Tammy stinks.
[Mark goes up to Tom]
Tom: Brendanawicz!
Mark: Hey Tom.
Tom: Hey, I want you to meet my wife.
Wendy: Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.
Mark: [shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?
Wendy: Don't hold it against me.
Tom: Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!
[Mark goes up to April]
April: This is Derek.
Mark: Cool. How long you guys been dating?
April: We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes
Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.
April: I don't want to talk to you.

Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them. 

Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

Leslie: Ben, my campaign manager and I, have made a decision.
Ann: We've decided to fire that campaign manager, me.
Leslie: And hire you.

Ron: Anyone want to go to JJ's for some after dinner omelets?

Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted... 

April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you sucked?